Series of Journal Entries, Week 1 | nyxii's Blog

One of my friends here on EP informed me that they like to see what I've written when they come online, so I've decided to additionally share the better part of what I've written in my personal journal in the past two weeks. It wasn't originally for anyone to see, which is why it might seem unusual at times: it was not composed with an audience in mind.

Additionally, this is an experiment for my own sake to examine how I feel about exposing journal-entry-type material online to other people. The difference between this and my other material I post here is that journal entries are much more personal, they have an informal feel and form, and are even sometimes only fragments of ideas I wish to remember at a later date, rather than a complete sentence or paragraph. It is not a performance.

This is testing the water to see how I myself feel about this idea. If I like it, you can expect more of the same in the future. Not that it really matters if anyone reads it I suppose...

Square brackets [ ] indicate commentary.
Here goes.

Monday 28 January 2013.

I think I've decided to stop writing for the most part. I write in journals, on sheet paper, etc and later I go back to reread and it upsets me or makes me sad. No longer do I suppose it would be beneficial to record the past for the purpose of revisitation. Even as I write these words I feel released, to be making this decision. I'll write letters for the post sometimes still, however. It would be alright, that. I'll also write to-do lists, reminders, that sort of thing. I simply do not wish to allow myself to go back in my mind to a time in the past and have all the implications weighing me down; it does me no favours. Writing does, that is, but not rereading.

I've also decided it's beneficial, in a way, to dress in such a way which draws treatment & behaviour along the lines that I'm most at ease responding to. A certain appearance makes others interpret a person a certain way (people make a rough guess at a person based on what they look like) and I've changed my mind about how I wish to present myself. (For today at least.) For the most part I intend from now on to appear classy feminine.

Tuesday 29 January, 2013.

I've realized there appears to be a much higher volume of people on EP who are males who desire to be female/feminized, than there are females who desire to be male/masculinized. Perhaps the former is simply more vocal than the latter. I wonder what kinds of cultural shifts will occur on this continent within the next few decades. [...]

PEACE
GRACE
WISDOM
SECURITY
WHOLENESS
GRATITUDE
CLARITY

(not in a certain order of priority necessarily)
[Note: this came to me over a few days of meditating, not all at once. I believe these are a few, not all, of the values I have come to hold in this era of my life. I have a different set of values on my wall above my computer from a slightly earlier era in my life, though that needs to be re-examined because I'm not who I was at that time and consequently there is a possibility that, if I listen to my inner self, I will realize those values are not true priorites anymore, even if they ought to be and I could lie to myself out of shame.]

Eating properly, taking vitamins & herbal remedies, exercise. Thoughts, healthy attitudes, meditation & reflection, positivity gratitude.
Healing of emotional issues.
To "be really comfortable in oneself as a woman" [(Jessop, Carolyn. Triumph. The book is returned to the library already, so ... screw you, MLA format! :D How I relish saying that. That's the epitome accomplishment of my life of freedom, right there.)]
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

Wednesday 30 January, 2013.

I like wearing skirts. [Long flowing ones.]
"An aura of perfect peace; radiated calm."
P191-2: power of forgiveness reread.
A vision of a better world & a better life. [Lost my lenses... let me know if you find them. & someone turn on the light, will you?]
"My reluctance to venture out of my comfort zone and experience something new had kept me firmly in my place."
The mind-body connection.
Every day: [...]

Thursday 31 January, 2013.

Well, it seems this café is becoming an evening routine for me. It's helping me hold onto my sanity, I'm sure. [All of these journal entries - which I had committed to abstain from writing ... *facepalm* - had been written at a little café I have since come to frequent weekday evenings for the purpose of reading whatever library book I had at hand.]

A young woman shouted out of her car at me: "Sexy!" Well... I'm wearing a winter/fall coat, and army boots (the only boots I own which don't injure), and my hair's a mess. It's dark. How can she still evaluate my attractiveness level/quality? I don't like that. Comments like that. Coming from a woman, and a "positive" term, I'm sure she intended it as a compliment though. Sometimes I wish I were not sensitive, and could accept reality more graciously. She didn't mean to have bad manners. She wanted me to feel good about myself.

"Even normal memory has gaps, but traumatic memory is even more discontinuous." (Jeffs, Brent W., and Maia Szalavitz. Lost Boy. New York: Broadway Books, 2009.) [Don't want to commit blasphemy against MLA format ... It's not enough to just give an author credit. I repent of my sinful errors, O MLA Deities.]

Friday 1 February, 2013.

Roommate gave me a ride today. Exceptionally nice of him. I love my roommates w/ gratitude. Very decent people.
How much I love reading. If everything in my life were to go wrong, today I feel my life would still be worth living because I was given the gift of literacy and material to nourish that gift. [Many people in the world are illiterate, and it's a privilege they wish they'd been given.]

Family.

To carry oneself w/ confidence.

It feels so good to move my hand to form letters w/ a pen.

Cleanliness & organization is wealth.

I'd like another skirt, a t-shirt blouse, dress boots and a laptop-style purse so I can stop wearing a knapsack.

Reading at this café [...]

It would be good, best if I use my time more wisely and do useful things on a kind of schedule.
Would be good to watch educational library videos & youtube videos more often.

& What about the crocheting?