Series of Journal Entries, Week 1 | nyxii's Blog
One of my friends here on EP informed me that they like to see what I've written when they come online, so I've decided to additionally share the better part of what I've written in my personal journal in the past two weeks. It wasn't originally for anyone to see, which is why it might seem unusual at times: it was not composed with an audience in mind.
Additionally, this is an experiment for my own sake to examine how I feel about exposing journal-entry-type material online to other people. The difference between this and my other material I post here is that journal entries are much more personal, they have an informal feel and form, and are even sometimes only fragments of ideas I wish to remember at a later date, rather than a complete sentence or paragraph. It is not a performance.
This is testing the water to see how I myself feel about this idea. If I like it, you can expect more of the same in the future. Not that it really matters if anyone reads it I suppose...
Square brackets [ ] indicate commentary.
Monday 28 January 2013.
I think I've decided to stop writing for the most part. I write in journals, on sheet paper, etc and later I go back to reread and it upsets me or makes me sad. No longer do I suppose it would be beneficial to record the past for the purpose of revisitation. Even as I write these words I feel released, to be making this decision. I'll write letters for the post sometimes still, however. It would be alright, that. I'll also write to-do lists, reminders, that sort of thing. I simply do not wish to allow myself to go back in my mind to a time in the past and have all the implications weighing me down; it does me no favours. Writing does, that is, but not rereading.
I've also decided it's beneficial, in a way, to dress in such a way which draws treatment & behaviour along the lines that I'm most at ease responding to. A certain appearance makes others interpret a person a certain way (people make a rough guess at a person ba
Tuesday 29 January, 2013.
I've realized there appears to be a much higher volume of people on EP who are males who desire to be female/feminized, than there are females who desire to be male/masculinized. Perhaps the former is simply more vocal than the latter. I wonder what kinds of cultural shifts will occur on this continent within the next few decades. [...]
(not in a certain order of priority necessarily)
[Note: this came to me over a few days of meditating, not all at once. I believe these are a few, not all, of the values I have come to hold in this era of my life. I have a different set of values on my wall above my computer from a slightly earlier era in my life, though that needs to be re-examined because I'm not who I was at that time and consequently there is a possibility that, if I listen to my inner self, I will realize those values are not true priorites anymore, even if they ought to be and I could lie to myself out of shame.]
Eating properly, taking vitamins & herbal remedies, exercise. Thoughts, healthy attitudes, meditation & reflection, positivity gratitude.
Healing of emotional issues.
To "be really comfortable in oneself as a woman" [(Jessop, Carolyn. Triumph. The book is returned to the library already, so ... screw you, MLA format! :D How I relish saying that. That's the epitome accomplishment of my life of freedom, right there.)]
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
Wednesday 30 January, 2013.
I like wearing skirts. [Long flowing ones.]
"An aura of perfect peace; radiated calm."
P191-2: power of forgiveness reread.
A vision of a better world & a better life. [Lost my lenses... let me know if you find them. & someone turn on the light, will you?]
"My reluctance to venture out of my comfort zone and experience something new had kept me firmly in my place."
The mind-body connection.
Every day: [...]
Thursday 31 January, 2013.
Well, it seems this café is becoming an evening routine for me. It's helping me hold onto my sanity, I'm sure. [All of these journal entries - which I had committed to abstain from writing ... *facepalm* - had been written at a little café I have since come to frequent weekday evenings for the purpose of reading whatever library book I had at hand.]
A young woman shouted out of her car at me: "Sexy!" Well... I'm wearing a winter/fall coat, and army boots (the only boots I own which don't injure), and my hair's a mess. It's dark. How can she still evaluate my attractiveness level/quality? I don't like that. Comments like that. Coming from a woman, and a "positive" term, I'm sure she intended it as a compliment though. Sometimes I wish I were not sensitive, and could accept reality more graciously. She didn't mean to have bad manners. She wanted me to feel good about myself.
"Even normal memory has gaps, but traumatic memory is even more discontinuous." (Jeffs, Brent W., and Maia Szalavitz. Lost Boy. New York: Broadway Books, 2009.) [Don't want to commit blasphemy against MLA format ... It's not enough to just give an author credit. I repent of my sinful errors, O MLA Deities.]
Friday 1 February, 2013.
Roommate gave me a ride today. Exceptionally nice of him. I love my roommates w/ gratitude. Very decent people.
How much I love reading. If everything in my life were to go wrong, today I feel my life would still be worth living because I was given the gift of literacy and material to nourish that gift. [Many people in the world are illiterate, and it's a privilege they wish they'd been given.]
To carry oneself w/ confidence.
It feels so good to move my hand to form letters w/ a pen.
Cleanliness & organization is wealth.
I'd like another skirt, a t-shirt blouse, dress boots and a laptop-style purse so I can stop wearing a knapsack.
Reading at this café [...]
It would be good, best if I use my time more wisely and do useful things on a kind of schedule.
Would be good to watch educational library videos & youtube videos more often.
& What about the crocheting?
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Previous PostsPeople., posted November 22nd, 2014
Confession, posted October 24th, 2014
Sorting, Clearing, Donating, Discarding, posted October 17th, 2014
Dear P., posted August 20th, 2014
Loss/Gain, posted August 5th, 2014
Tarot, posted August 1st, 2014
Readjusting to Civilized Life, posted July 23rd, 2014
Choices, posted April 24th, 2014
Mundane Unremarkable Little Activities of Late, posted April 22nd, 2014
Scientia Est Potentia: Fluoride Letter to a Friend, posted April 19th, 2014
April Eighteenth: Vent., posted April 18th, 2014
Diana; Assorted Flavours of the Weekend, posted April 15th, 2014
Take Care of Your Avatar; Truthfulness to Oneself, posted April 11th, 2014
Gym, Turtles, Gardening, posted April 11th, 2014
Realization of a Shift, posted April 6th, 2014
Examining Her Recent Emotional Landscape, posted April 3rd, 2014
Talking to the air ;), posted March 30th, 2014
Venting about noise, posted October 12th, 2013
Another Reason I Don't Want to Start a Family, posted October 7th, 2013
Today, posted October 4th, 2013
Just feeling intensely emotional today I guess. Insert title here., posted October 2nd, 2013
Just sayin' stuff., posted September 28th, 2013
Coffee and other caffeinated beverages, posted September 24th, 2013
Confession, posted September 14th, 2013
Frustrated, posted September 4th, 2013
Shower, posted August 28th, 2013
no title, posted August 23rd, 2013
Private Letter, posted August 22nd, 2013
I love the sensuality of quiet romance, posted August 7th, 2013
Water, posted June 15th, 2013, 1 comment
Just a Vent., posted June 14th, 2013
Journal: Thursday 11 April. 03:00am., posted April 11th, 2013
Identity, posted April 10th, 2013
Journal: Monday 8 April., posted April 8th, 2013
Journal: 31 March 2013, Early Evening., posted March 31st, 2013
Isn't This Holodeck Program Amazing?!, posted March 30th, 2013
Bathroom Conversations, posted March 22nd, 2013
Something Happened (Sun/Mar/17), posted March 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Growing Rift Between My Father & Me, posted March 15th, 2013
Just Talkin' About Mundane Things Right Now, posted March 13th, 2013
Swing Low, posted March 11th, 2013
Journal: Thursday 7 March 2013, 00:30., posted March 8th, 2013
Journal: Friday 8 March, 2013. 16:00., posted March 8th, 2013
Bird's Eye View, posted March 8th, 2013
Series of Journal Entries, Week 1, posted February 9th, 2013
Whatever., posted January 24th, 2013
Consequences of Employment of Foul Language in Inappropriate Situations Over Time By Our Society, posted December 8th, 2012
What do you think, about this link?, posted November 23rd, 2012
Emotional States, posted November 22nd, 2012
Compliment at Work, posted November 16th, 2012
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