When I returned today no one was here. Blissful quiet, beauty out the windows, the big windows with all those trees out there. I had settled into a peaceful feeling. Seems that whenever people are around in this house they are constantly polluting the shared mental/psychological living space with whining, irritation, frustration, ridiculous dribble, and punctuating every moment of silence with a slew of thought vomit.
I am sorry!but this seriously elevates my stress level. I cannot handle all this noise pollution. Interruptions to my thoughts and thinking, with people's radiating negativity or baby talk to animals or spontaneous, unvaluable sand. Sand.
I cannot handle this. I'm going out. I'm already a little emotional today.
Thank goodness for this beautiful safe city so I can walk or bike and save my sanity.
Since I moved in with my mother & sisters, I've taken note of how I can never find anything, nothing is ever in the same place twice, and something as seemingly simple as cooking vegetarian chili winds up being an excruciatingly frustrating endeavour when I have to look in a combined total of about 24 places for all the tools and ingredients I need. Or to find the remote so I can change the language option on an anime to Japanese. Or a thousand other specific situations where I just want to do a simple task, and it seems nothing is ever simple because I can never find things. People don't put things where they belong. To someone who never has to deal with this problem to this extent, good for you. You won't understand. To me this is just another contributing factor to my longing and burning desire to get out of this place and move, yet again, somewhere else.
Not to mention living among others' constant messes. If it gets cleaned, things never stay that way for long. Stepping over things, moving things around, losing things. It's amazing how much mess other people can make. Of course it's not my house, so I have no right to complain. I'm merely noting that this is one of the beautiful things I will appreciate in the future, not having to deal with.
The chaotic nature of having other people in my living space (or rather, me living in a family unit's living space), is a contributing factor to my frustration, lack of security, and total lack of peace. People constantly making noises and talking and interrupting me to talk about things that totally don't matter, when I'm trying to read or am on the computer or am otherwise concentrating, breaks my thought processes and slows down my activity so that I have to start over again. And then they ask me something again or say something again, and I have to try again to start over.
My burning desire is to not live here anymore, though I just got here a few months ago it seems. I have no where to go and the thought of tying myself down to a job I hate -- the only job available to me -- kills me. So here I stay.
But I have this dream of not living in this situation anymore. I need peace. I'm not helping here as I thought I would be, so I'm not needed after all.
With all this in mind, why would I ever want to start my own family? Situation after situation, day after day I am reminded of why one day I'll be fortunate enough to not live with all this cumulative frustration. The nice thing about it right now is knowing I can escape. Were I to marry and have children, I cannot simply escape and change my mind, decide I'd rather go back to living on my own.
Besides that, having a family costs an incredible lot of money. I abhor this job I have, already, and it's been less than a month and a half. Why would I sentence myself to the hell of *needing* to stay in that job? I mean, right now I don't need this money. It's just nice to have this money because I'd like to do things with it. But I'm free to quit. If I had children, I would not simply be free to quit a job if I didn't like it, because there is a need for greater income when you have children. And there's no way I'd simply trust, oh well, it'll be ok because my husband has a job. No.
I'm not a long-term motherly type. I would probably be the kind to regret being a mother, were I ever to allow myself to be talked into it. Much of this is because of where I am in my life currently. Were I born into other circumstances, or wound up in other circumstances, I might have been able to see it somehow someday. But not in this life. There's no way I would sentence myself to that kind of hell, as I see it.
I need peace. I need quiet. I need alone time. I need freedom. I need organization, and I need control over my environment, my time, my priorities. I desire to put my own needs first.
If I had a different career path. Yes, that specifically. Where I could possibly make enough money to make ends meet, no problem, and where I liked my job and worked because I feel like I belong there and feel good about myself there, not because I have no other choice but to work a sh*tty job, like so many of the young women coworkers I work with, whom I love in that fellow coworker kind of way.
The world's population has increased four times in the last 100 years. Quadrupled. We need to slow down our population growth: people should only be making babies if they feel it is their destiny, their life ambition, something so beautiful and they're built for it.
I can NOT do that. I can't do it.
It's difficult for me. I have to confess. When I deeply care about someone, and they want children someday, I have to resign myself to not being with them. This is a point people can't compromise on. He would always secretly desire, and even expect (because people expect that of women), that I would change my mind. I would always feel that pressure, unspoken, and know that because he wanted me, I would be the obstacle against him getting that puzzle piece of this ambition. He would grow to resent me, and his choice of settling. I would resent the pressure I feel and the knowledge that I'm preventing him from having that family. Neither deserve those emotional, relational dynamics.
People think about things; I think about things. One imagines future possibilities, of course. ba
Family life might be my idea of hell, imprisonment, holding me back from opportunities like travel and education, prevent me from achieving any moments of rest and peace, not ever getting a break.
If this is so, then I must not be tempted to ever lead on someone who has family life as their ultimate goal or ideal lifestyle. It would be selfish.
*sigh* My sister returned. My silence has ended and already I won't be able to have my thoughts and Peace Bubble of the moment interrupted.
That's part of why this place never felt like home to me, since I've moved in with them, as when I rented with roommates in university. That was my home.
Today I composed a list and printed it off to post on my bedroom wall: a list of suggestions to help me feel better when I'm feeling depressed and frustrated with my life. Sometimes when you're in that way you just can't muster up the creativity. But I got it now. I'm not going to go through this winter feeling miserable. Nyxii has tools.
I feel so tense & frustrated about my life these days. It's so hard for me to talk to people about what's going on in my life and how things are going. It feels almost hopeless at times, off and on. I just give up. Even here on EP I haven't been as open as I have in the past. It's not even as though my life is all that exciting or interesting -- just that I have this natural inclination to keep information to myself. That won't make sense in the clumsy way words have of near-hits and near-misses of walking around the point, though.
I deeply sense it's not in my power to attain true & lasting contentedness. I have this way of talking myself into a forced short-term mindset of gratitude, and that has been a skill I've developed which helps me. Sometimes it's easier and much more honest than other times.
I'm only always getting older. My time to shine has passed, and I didn't make it. I have reached just about the very upper limit of where I can ever be. Through circumstance, lack of support, and especially through inner weaknesses. I don't have what it takes, and now, I never will.
I don't know why my parents had me. It was a very selfish thing to do. Yes, they made some sacrifices, but they wanted to for their own experiences. They wanted the experience of having children, of being parents & having a family, when they were younger. But I never received the attention or guidance I should have been entitled to. I needed more help. I needed more support, persuasion, guidance, instruction. Right now I am a little bit angry at them for having me.
That might seem unusual, to be angry at one's parents for having her. But here's the thing: if you create a person, you are like a god, and you should take that role seriously. Growing up I felt independent, which did shape me in a way, but I was neglected and even felt that I didn't have the right to ask for anything. I didn't have the relationship with my parents that I could tell them things or go to them for advice. And as a child, that's the parents' responsibility, to nurture and build that relationship. You don't just have me and then feed me and do what's fun.
Okay, so this sounds pretty pathetic. I'm an adult now, right? Free to make my own choices. But it doesn't work like that, not exactly. Everything is a web. Like a spider's web. All my experiences have shaped me, and I am who I now am.
I have to be open here and admit, I sincerely believe I had potential and could have been at a better point in my life with parents who cared more about building me into a better person. I know I could have achieved that university degree, if I had had people to talk to and support me. Family support. To counsel me. And to help me financially of course. I worked the overnight shift when I was going to university, starting in second year, and having a severely messed-up sleeping schedule really messes up a human being. I started antidepressants, I didn't have a drive for the schoolwork I was paying thousands of dollars to complete. In the end it was wasted time and money, which could have been avoided. I didn't recognize what was happening at the time. All I knew was that I hated my life. Conjuring up as many sui**** scenarios in as great realistic logical detail as possible, comforted me. I read my journal from that era, and I was so very alone. I feel sorrow and affection for that younger self, who I don't feel is "me" exactly, and I wanted to reach through time and help her because reading her journals I felt sorrow and fear for her, a desire to comfort that person. Who, oddly, was me, but not me.
I'm at a dead-end right now, me, in this own life. I recognize that I was psychologically injured, scarred from that entire half-decade-long ordeal of working my ass off, being sui****l, hating and feeling incompetent and hopelessly .. hopeless. In the end I didn't show up for exams. I dropped out three times, and went back again and again and again. I thought it was so important not to accrue an insurmountable debt by taking out a large loan, so I kept working and going to school, and there was just sooooo much work, with the devil's messed-up sleeping schedules (which are scientifically proven to lower your brain's capacity in many areas), and my brain was so shot through, and I had limited drive and faith in myself by the end of it. In fact I was certain of my demise, and many days wished not to have to go through daily living anymore.
God damn it, I tried so hard! I wasted years of my life for this ambition, which was not fun or easy but rather miserable and trying. I was so alone and unsupported. Looking back, yes, I can only blame myself..... But no. I don't blame only myself. I blame also that my parents weren't invested in me as this person they created. They wanted to have a family experience for a few years, because babies and young children are cute, adorable, fun, whatever. Then they neglected or failed me. And anyone reading this might judge me for being harsh and ungrateful to them, but this sentiment, this realization and feeling, has been around in some form or another for a very long time. It's just taboo to say such things. But I'm saying it. They owed me more, because they created me like gods create.
But now that they've had those experiences they wanted, they didn't guide me well enough or teach me well enough even as I was growing up, didn't nurture those relationships, and help me. I am bitter today again, and I'm not shutting up. I could have developed better as a person. Instead, I'm sentenced to this dreadful, dead-end life because I don't have the strength to fight anymore, the strength to struggle.
In this area I moved to a few months ago, near the downtown of a city, there live many people who are indeed down on their luck. Where I work we find needles disposed in the bathroom garbages quite frequently, and you can tell by the behaviours & words of people, that some of them are quite out of it, not their normal selves. There is a high unemployment rate in this region; very high. Sometimes people say things about these people, their needles and excessive tattoos covering all their body parts and the drugs they apparently do, or their welfare cheques. But I have more sympathy, I think. The people who do drugs, and take needles, I think about how a person's life must be, that they have to come to someplace and hide in a bathroom to take a needle to get rid of life's turmoils, or their circumstances led them to becoming addicted and they are a prisonner against their will because of earlier poor choices. Their lives will never, ever be delightfully beautiful to them, because they are in a cycle where they cannot rise above their situation. Theoretically an individual could.... But they will not. Some of them will, or have, developed mental diseases and have no one to care for them, so they live on the street or wherever, and make other friends in similar situations, or they have a place but live paycheck to paycheck.
People sometimes pay in nickles and dimes for the priviledge of having a coffee. And you know where those people will be years from now? In the same place. Or worse. And I feel for these people.
I think about their own parents. Who brought them into this world? In the right situation, those very same people could have been brilliant, many of them. Could have maybe worked in an office, or as a custodian, or gone to college to be an auto mechanic or a secretary. All these people came from somewhere.
What did their parents envision when they conceived them? These beautiful people who are now reduced to doing needles and drugs and living paycheck to paycheck and begging and sleeping outside. near the library for instance. What did these parents-to-be think about? Everyone's situation is different of course ....
It's not a joke. And I don't judge them harshly for doing those things. When my own life was more hopeless and frustrating, more alone than I am now, I turned to alcohol. I did not get drunk, nor was I an alcoholic, but there were eras after I dropped out where the one sustainable source of respite I got was a bit of a drink at the end of the day. It's not a far cry to imagine desperation being worse if I were in a worse situation, to being a real alcoholic, and if I were living with the wrong crowds like these fellow human beings I see, in their shoes....
Things are more complicated than they seem, for every single human being.
No one, ever, wanted their life to turn out so that they have not enough in their bank account for a single cup of coffee, and pay for the rest of that single cup of coffee with one nickle and one dime. And that warm interaction, that cup of warmth, is the only next thing they can think about. Who in that situation is going to possibly, in their wildest dreams, imagine rising above this very instance to become a pharmacist, or sometimes even a cashier? Or a teacher? Or to rent a place on their own? I give them what they pay for. Sometimes more.
I can't be as compassionate as other people are. But these people, are my people. They are my community. People should not be born into these adverse circumstances.
My life hasn't been as difficult as theirs. I ought to be ashamed of complaining at all, because so many have it way worse. I ought to consider myself lucky and just magically grow the strength needed to do something beautiful with my life. People must always think that about people like me, and people like my community members I guess.
I could have done so much better. I feel like it's too late and I'm at a dead-end and there is just a foggy abyss in the future, and my own shortcomings and weaknesses.
But my heart is comforted that it isn't too late for everyone else. There are those who will achieve their dreams and ambitions, and as a fellow human I can feel their joy and their pride in their own triumphs & achievements.
First, I'd like to record that today (Sat.Sept.28/13) was my first day with absolutely zero caffeine. I'm not going to be too strict on myself with it yet, and I'm still tapering off. Having just two "half-cups" of coffee or two cups of tea per day is still excellent progress, and that is my intention for the upcoming few days. There will be more days with absolutely zero, and those will increase with time until it's normal to have none at all in a week.
Next, I'd like to mention that I re-connected with a friend from university. Totally more natural than trying to meet people off craigslist, and more ethical than trying to meet people from church (since I don't believe in their god, I just go for educational purposes). We spent the day together last Saturday at an activity, in the rain! and it went well. I'm glad it was raining actually, because I learned neither of us saw it as a great obstacle and it was easy to tough it out. I think the little adversities we go through teach us about ourselves and others, from how they react. Not that it was a big thing. We had rainjackets and it wasn't even cold.
Anyway, we'll be attending an event this coming Saturday as well, if nothing else comes up to interrupt that plan.
This still isn't perfectly ideal, but I could see it being a moderately positive situation for me. The unfortunate thing is that I feel like he's an innocent person who just wants a normal dating thing, and rather inexperienced, which might make him emotionally vulnerable. I don't really want to date him. I just want to take advantage of the fact that he readily, willingly holds hands with me, hugs, and I intuit he'd be interested in other comfortable physical affections such as cuddling. Touch is something I want, and this person I already know from being in the same extracurricular clubs in the past years. We are already familiar, and he's comfortable.
So we'll see. I almost feel guilty for intending to take advantage of his time, because we're not on the same page. I don't think I'm on the same page as anyone though, and I'm not going to just "opt out" of things because it's not perfectly ideal for who I am. If it's close enough, if it's meeting a want or a need or a curiosity, ... nothing's perfect.
I'd appreciate some simple, immediate methods to increase my level of daily joy. This is healthy.
I had long ago decided that the quantity of coffee I drank was detrimental to my health, in at least a few ways, more or less than I might suspect. Caffeine generally, but coffee in particular I had developed an unhealthy relationship with for the entirety of a decade. I had quit it for a short time here and there over the years - for a month or so - but the truth was that I didn't care, I wasn't strong enough, it wasn't much of a priority for me to quit despite my advice to others not to start overindulging in it.
Those who drink coffee only on occasion, or who don't drink coffee or caffeinated drinks at all, or even those who drink only one cup per day in the morning, cannot fully appreciate the nature of my addiction. Yes, caffeine, tea, and coffee, and energy drinks, are rather acceptable and welcomed in our culture (particularly my personal culture, at work and home). But just because everyone does something doesn't mean I want to be part of it, or that it's ok. (Just like shaving my legs, or eating dead mutilated fellow earthlings, in that I don't believe I ought to blindly "go with the flow" and fit in with other people. It's a no-brainer, this principle.)
It truly is a drug. It has been an addiction of mine for a very, very long time. I want to be free of it. This dependency, this weakness of mine, the effects it has on my body & brain, both short term effects & long term. Until September 19th I had been drinking about 5-8 cups per day, of coffee and tea, and it was just normal for me. The caffeine effect was hardly noticeable anymore because I had built up a tolerance to it. I still did it though. I have a relationship with coffee & caffeine more than just the physical drug; it's a psychological thing, a thing of comfort, warmth, security, made me feel stronger than I could be on my own. I couldn't function properly without it (and I've started to see just how that plays out now that I've made the decision to taper it off to nothing).
I can't know precisely how the drug itself affects me, I can just estimate and learn.
We know it dehydrates a person, that it increases metabolism, that it interferes with the absorption of vitamins/minerals like calcium. I've heard that it leaches calcium from your bones, though I'm not sure. (Like a typical addict of any drug, the mind downplays the negativities, and ignores evidence, or doesn't conscientiously seek information.) It has inflammatory effects. I've known this and felt it physically, too, in my joints (finger bones mostly). Caffeine itself has a half-life of four hours, it is said, but most people don't know that coffee increases cortisol in the body, which is like a stress hormone, and that chemical floats around your body for way longer than the caffeine does. & The older you get the longer it takes your body to rid itself of this stress hormone. You won't even know you're feeling & behaving, reacting & responding the way you are because of how much of this chemical you've subjected your body and brain to, and you'll attribute it to something else (maybe PMS, or a type A personality, or being naturally high-strung & impatient), and you might never realize that it's because you're putting this drug into your veins and your brain 24/7 without a break. Also, coffee does the other regular seeming things like making you warmer, and have you ever wondered what's behind that? Your veins react to it. It also has detrimental effects to your complexion, and acne. I didn't know this for too long. Of course it makes sense that what you eat, affects your skin and its health. Excessive caffeine intake isn't the only thing that has had damaging effects on my skin, but it has been a contributing factor. Oh yeah, and it might contribute to type 2 diabetes. Huh.
I'm not saying everyone's body responds in the same ways to the same degree, but do some casual research from multiple sources, and verify in greater detail all these things for yourself. It's very easy to research anything over the computer. But actually, I'm really not that interested in what everyone else does. I'm doing this for me. I'm even writing this blog for me, to publicly share my goal, and just some of the reasons. By writing, I make it more real.
By quitting coffee and tea, and being free of this drug, this addiction, I expect to see positive results in a few areas. Other positive effects I won't notice, but they will come about.
I expect my emotional, mental, and physical state to improve somewhat. I'm thinking my emotions will be more consistent when a drug isn't influencing them up and down so much. There will be no withdrawal effects when I'm not having any, or when I've gone a few hours without one. At the end of the day I won't be experiencing the "low" that comes later, because of the cortisol + caffeinewithdrawal. All the harmful effects on my body that I unknowingly sustain from consistently elevated cortisol levels, actually, will improve.
I'm even expecting my mental health to be a little different, because my brain will be free of it.
I honestly don't believe these will be extreme changes, but rather subtle, and gradual. Still worth it. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I desire physical and mental and emotional health, and more stability, focus, concentration, ... drive.
How can I be who I really am, if I'm always high (or low) on the drug I'm addicted to? Drugs affect your personality. And coffee affects my personality.
So .... Thinking aloud ... September 20th I had two and a half cups, the 21st I had two cups, the 22nd was two (one cup, and two "half cups"), and yesterday the 23rd was a cup of white tea and one cup of c. (two "half cups" again). Today I've had almost one cup of black tea, and intend to have two "half cups" of c. later in the day.
This is a significant improvement over the 5-8 cups of coffee I was having before I made this decision to taper off. Btw, a cup of tea has much less caffeine than coffee, a third to a half of the amount I believe. So I will be using that to help taper off as well.... And of course I've been using caffeine-free herbal teas such as fennel, peppermint, and chamomile, to keep up the actual physical reality of putting water in a kettle, heating it, pouring it, and having a hot cup of something hanging around.
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I've been actively seeking a compatible local date for a few weeks now. I've decided Craigslist is not the way to find someone. I've met many interesting people, and had positive experiences. It was worth it to practice meeting strangers and having first-date experiences, because the more you practice something the more comfortable it gets. Nice conversations, some movies, some coffees, walks down the path by the creek. But meeting someone on a site like that, you can't be all that specific about what you want. Most times, I've noticed that if I would have met the person in person, I never would have cared to spend time with them. It's like blind dating: you only know so much about the person.
I'm sure that on an actual dating site, I'd be a whole lot more successful in hunting down local people who I could be capable of identifying with and forming an affectionate connection. I wouldn't have met up with people over half a decade older than me (preferably between my age and three years older), I wouldn't have met smokers, I wouldn't have met men with children or men who are married, or divorced for the matter. Not to sound racist, but it's absolutely physically impossible for me to feel any level of romantic/erotic attraction to people outside my own race. Fitness is also attractive. On a dating site, I could be a whole lot more detailed than CL.... But you know what? I'm very glad I did all of that.
Really though, I detest the "first date" thing. Especially with people I'm completely unfamiliar with. They have these expectations of what's appropriate or how things are going to go, and .... Honestly, I can't be attracted to someone I know nothing about. There has to be some kind of history to a person. I'm devastatingly weird, I've come to that conclusion. Holding hands or kissing someone I've only met once or twice, even if we've had good conversation, -the idea is repulsive. And the only thing I can think of throughout the entire time of any first date, is the mild disappointment or mild repulsion at the fact that they might try to kiss me. I can put up with being touched. I figure if someone pays for my movie ticket, I owe it to them to hold their hand and be sweet, let them put their arm around me, provide them with good conversation to make them feel good.
I don't even get attracted to men anymore as much as I can find women attractive, within the same time fr
But all I want is something so simple! I never realized it would be so hard once I started looking. I've never looked before. And most people I spend time with in this capacity desire my company in the future, and I feel a little bad for turning them down, but I just can't stand the thought of why men date. I want the sweet cozy things, the security & support of a friend who I can see and do things with. But no one is going to want to wait for us to establish a good solid friendship ba
I'm intolerably lonely for some local company. I just wish I were normal enough to be able to find someone who can check off some very basic checkboxes. I don't have all that much faith in finding someone amazing nearby. Just someone nice, normal, and up to a certain standard, not looking too far into the future. Just wants my company for the time being.
I've ruled out any kind of dating site. I think the expectations are higher when you meet someone from there. I'll have to go on foot from here... do the IRL thing, as uncomfortable as that might be. Or not at all. I have some optimism, because something good changed in my life recently, but -- Geez, I never would have thought meeting someone so basic, would be hard.
I'm going to start going to church again. I just wish I believed in God so that it would be ethical for me to try to find someone to date in that setting. But at least I'll meet people who will become familiar to me, maybe even friends. The only other obvious choice is going to bars, and that provokes an unreasonable level of anxiety or distress in me. (Not because I fear being harmed, but because socially it's a very chaotic, loud place, which I'm not familiar with ... yet.)
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I'm sorry. This isn't the reality I wanted to create with you. It distresses me. I don't want you to feel unhappy.
I kept wishing & wanting to feel closer. It wasn't about the geographical distance. After we parted. Of course I couldn't ask for more. I just silently wondered and waited and started resenting that I was too obsessed when it seemed clear your interest had declined. I didn't understand. For weeks and weeks and weeks. I might not be able to point out reasons logically, but my intuition is very sound. I wrote about my feelings a lot, but not where you could see it.
I did not understand what was going on.
There were things going on in my life I could have used a friend to talk to about and felt too introverted/guarded to say to people. And with my perception that you weren't all that into me anymore, of course I didn't feel like talking openly to you.
& Of course I could not explain or ask for what I wanted. You don't owe me a thing and I'm not going to lower myself to beg for attention. That would be ridiculous, needy, childish. I would be disgusted with myself.
I wrote myself into an understanding, a sense of some degree of clarity, that people aren't bad just because they drift apart or develop other interests. It's emotionally upsetting for a while and I knew I'd just get over it eventually; it's the way the world works and it's natural, it's ok. I was alright with that. I could see a bigger picture. It was often a changing, ambiguous picture, but with some stability at least. There were different possibilities I could see alongside one another.
I felt a little abandoned, or neglected, emotionally. For a while. I also understood it's not your job or your responsibility to fill this desire for me, no matter our history. And if I would have said something or taken initiative I could have changed it - - but I lost the will & the drive to bother.
I just wanted a sense of peace.
You did nothing wrong. This was my understanding. Emotions passed through me. I understood I would get used to it.
I was too attached. It's an uncomfortable feeling. If I were less attached I would not feel negative emotions to this degree. I still feel extremely closed off and don't desire to try. But I feel like I'm a bad person for allowing all this to cause me to be anything less than kind to you, which I believe I was. & I don't like feeling like a bad person, or in the wrong, and that only makes me want to push further away. I feel disgusted with myself. I don't want to be in a situation where I feel that way. ...
I regret being less than kind to you. I'm sorry. I don't want to feel all these things anymore.
I probably won't send this one either so I'll stop writing. I'll see later.
I don't really feel so inclined to try to explain that it isn't about the geographical closeness. My experience stays inside.
I needed more. I could not ask for it. I stayed silent and drifted. I felt less cared for and did not understand the reason for what I perceived as a decline of interest. I grew spines or quills because of this. Not on purpose.
Many times I wished to feel as open with you as before. Things have happened in my life I wished I felt less guarded about sharing with you.
Someone called me "intuitive" the other day. Idk. My intuition did sense that you weren't all that into me anymore. After you left. After so long of feeling that way, it's natural to resent caring, to pull or push away. I still feel like I want to say sharpened words. It makes me feel ugly on the inside.
Mostly right now I want to forgo this. It hurts, it makes me feel ugly, I want to feel fun and simple and comfortable and secure again. That's why I got into this in the first place, right? I also don't want to focus on the fact of making another person unhappy.
I always said I want to make myself a priority. This is why I don't get into relationships.
Yet I couldn't help feeling so intensely. I resent the depth of emotion which caused me to be this sensitive. I think this is self-directed anger.
It's so messy to say these kinds of things though.
Journal: August 6th, 2013.
Words can not express how I desire you and wish to be close to you again.
You brought light to my life, enabling me to see more vividly and clearly. I could perceive the world around me with greater understanding of the worth and beauty, with the help of your presence. When you're with me, everything is imbued with a greater sense of pleasure, or meaning, or rightness. Even challenges & sorrows are more comfortable when you're by my side. Pleasures and joys are enhanced.
It may be inappropriate to express myself thus. My mind processes & spews too much material. My insecurity & low self-confidence bids me keep silent. Yet I trust you'll intuit to interpret my silence not as loss of interest or uncaring abandonment (that would pain me) but as what it is. You know my soul more closely than any other. I do consider you a kindred spirit, or at least an uncommonly intuitive & perceptive human being.
Distant and unsure-footed at the moment, this snow-leopard Nyxii.
Wish I had someone to talk to. Someone I feel comfortable with. Talking openly with people I'm not very close to, about very personal things, isn't my thing. Perhaps I'm too tense & private for my own good, but I'm not willing to be so open & exposed with my thoughts/ideas/concerns/feelings/considerations even though at the same time I feel more solitary than I'd like to.
There are people everywhere. Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink, even as I'm submerged in it.
So closed & withdrawn, in the middle of a bright city, it's shameful to whine about feeling alone. While I'm not doing things to remedy it. It's so emotionally taxing of my inner resources to reach out to new people in real life. It really seems not worth it. Besides, committing to IRL friends usually means I have to spend time with them & do things with & for them, and it's uncomfortable. I'm so attached to being rather solitary & introverted, even though the disadvantage of not feeling comfortable & open enough to access certain benefits of having a few close friendships, is being rather noticeably felt.
Mostly I do just want to be left alone, regarding the most common socialization customs of society; it's only the deeper levels I'm missing. To get to the deeper levels there are prerequisites I'm not interested in doing.
I'm going to go insane if I live here like this much longer. I'm thinking very hard lately. I need to develop some inner armour. Just let things roll off like water off a duck's back. And I need to spend even more time away from this place than I already do. I feel like I'm going to lose myself, distractions snatching constantly at my inner self. I have no idea why so many words need always be exchanged for the very simplest of situations around here, and all I want is peace, serenity, so I can focus and write and study and think. Thanks for the invite to vent. I'm chill.
Seriously, I'm in a pretty good situation right now, in some ways, and for those things I'm constantly aware & grateful. Specific things.
Lately I've been steadily increasing in my readiness for "What Next?". Mostly related to career. Some not. Exploring how my inner self feels, and how it would be this or that, as well as researching information. What would be realistic, and what I'd enjoy, and what's in demand, and the predicted outcomes. "Figuring out".
I feel hesitant to go into details. Possibly because some people around here (irl) keep asking and asking me things and I've lately grown more of a habit of keeping guard over what I say. As though my thoughts, ideas, feelings, considerations, are liabilities which will only serve to make my life more difficult in the moment I share them. By inviting more questions and me having to justify/explain them or being pressed for more information. It's a defensive feeling. It's not an open feeling. Pry pry pry pry .... Yeah, that's going to make me more comfortable? No, that's going to distance me and make me tactfully defensive & noncommittal, and avoid.
It's puzzling why I'm like this. It doesn't make that much sense. It's not like I'm defending intellectual property or that I'm going to be attacked for opening up what's on the inside of my mind.
Perhaps I'm just a private person with most people.
Anyway, this is getting to be pretty rambling.
So I have some goal areas to work on, and I'm working on them. I have a binder for those. Also, I'm thinking about career fields & jobs, and how to get them and how to narrow it down and leave out no option which should be at least considered. I'm a bit indecisive but I'll manage. Sometimes I think it could be easier if I talked to people about things, but I don't want the influence of people I'm totally dissimilar to and who know nothing & have no clue about the topic, well, I don't want their influence/advice/suggestions tainting my own research and drowning/skewing my own inner voice & evaluation of things.
I get so very weary of my father asking about how my life's going. I have to confess: I lied to him. I told a lie, and I don't like doing that at all. It's a wound to my integrity to tell a lie to someone in my family. He just keeps asking and I don't feel comfortable telling him it's none of his business and I don't value his input! Nor do I owe it to him to report on my activities & intentions! It's so wearying. "So, are you still at the same job?" "So, are you getting more hours at work now?" "Have you thought about going back to school?" "Have you thought about teaching English overseas?" "Have you considered teaching music?" "How much more practice would you need to be a piano teacher?" "So, have you tried getting another job and applying to other places?"
Frick frack, just leave me alone! I don't want every conversation with you to make me feel judged, invaded, and found lacking. Found to be a disappointment every single time. It's useless to me. It just makes me feel like I didn't live up to your expectations you had of me on the day your daughter was born (every parent dreams their child will one day grow up to be really special & accomplished), and you haven't gotten over that. It makes me feel looked down upon.
Most of all, it makes me dread talking to you. In fact, I have no desire to spend time with him on Father's Day. We've gone our separate ways, and we're on good terms, but I don't enjoy talking to him or being with him. It always winds up with me having to dance around the fact of my being a loser, and him lamenting the long-past behaviours & events of my other family members he no longer gets along with.
You know, I'm constantly aware of the fact I'm not a caring, empathetic person. I'm not very nice. Some people who don't know me very well, and just know me on the surface, truly believe I'm nice or sweet, but they're deluded because they think they know me better than they actually do. I have so little compassion for other people, and so little patience, and so little love for humanity. It's very clear for me to sense this in myself, and I find I often have to stop myself from feeling guilty for this. Other people care when they know their fellow human beings are suffering even if they don't know them. Other people have more human emotions, tender emotions, desire for friendships & bonding, and they think babies & children are cute & sweet, or if not, they at least have some kind of general compassion. If I'm honest with myself, I don't, and it makes me feel like a bad person.
Of course I'm a bad person to the degree of which I lack compassion and am selfish, because our society (probably every society) defines "a good person" as being "good to others for others' sake" and "good for the wellbeing of others/community/etc" even -- especially -- when there's nothing in it for them themselves. If I have less of that, then I'm more toward the opposite.
What am I supposed to be talking about?
I know it would be better if I could just feel, "Well, he's just trying to keep in touch with me, because we don't see each other much and fathers are supposed to know what's going on in their children's lives, and I'm the one child he has who will even speak to him, and he's getting older and specific issues in life are hard for him, and it's really not a big deal that I feel invaded of privacy and forced to admit I'm still a loser career-wise and I'm not making the kind of progress he wishes I'd make. Not a big deal that he thinks it's helpful to discuss things with me; in fact, it's not irritating, it's sweet". Mmmhmm. Yep, I'd be a better person if I were chill like that and saw things from the other person's point of view.
I don't want to be a good girl though. I reserve the right to feel how I feel and not be a doormat and not give a damn even if it's "wrong" to be so impatient with people and hung up on it. and I'm going to vent to EP when I need to, to keep my sanity.
Sometimes I wish I were mute so no one would ever expect me to have conversations with them. I rarely enjoy having to respond to the kinds of conversations people tend to like having or the questions they ask me to try to put me in a box to figure me out, which inevitably leaves people with the idea that I'm so much less than I wish I were. (Because I am;) It's a demeaning feeling. Here on EP I hardly give a darn though. As you can tell, from what an ungrateful, unabashed bitch I'm being. Or at least, I think I am.
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I went out for dinner. Never been to [restaurant name] before, except once so long ago. Pleasant place; I like it. Bottomless coffee is incredible; I didn't decide on it this time but I'll keep it in mind.
The walk was lovely. Spring is finally making headway. the sky started lightening from a depressing grey, and some bright blue is sneaking through, even taking over.
I just love the trees. The way the branches curve and angle. Sometimes flowing, sometimes jutting. More so, or less so, individually. I love the lacey-like patterns at the tops as the trees branch out, stretching their limbs into the sky. Each tree is individual, yet part of a species of tree, and all of those species of trees are part of the umbrella "trees".
Potatoes, tomatoes, red & green pepper, cheddar & mozzarella shredded cheese, onion, salt, pepper, oil. Mushroom. Marble rye. Scrambled eggs. Ohhhh good:)
Cadet Nyxii's log, stardate [...].
Wow, this holodeck program is amazing! I almost feel like I'm really back in the 21st century!! I feel like I really am my great (x15) grandmother Nyxii, whom I was named after. Walking where she walked, experiencing what her life must have been like. The details are incredible! I'm very, very impressed.
I'm going to try to make the most of this and see what it was really like to be in her shoes. All the little things, even. This is just soooo COOL.
I'll let you know how it goes!
It feels so weird to be typing to the Computer instead of addressing myself to it aloud, verbally. How primitive :S
Still a good experience.
Oh .... since she was known for making "11:11 Wishes" .... I wish to become a master at all the musical instruments she mastered during her lifetime. (Okay, okay, that's an "intention", not a "wish", but it's my first time!)
Computer, save journal entry.
Computer, save journal entry and close blog.
Computer: save journal entry and end Cadet Nyxii's log.
Nevermind; I get it now.
At this university, sometimes people do it the old-fashioned way when advertising a summer sublet, and print out a piece of paper advertising it. They tape this on the bathroom walls, or inside a cubicle.
This time there was one which advertised "For Females Only". Not so unusual, except the mini-conversation among students, anonymously, which took place in pencil and in pen writing, on the side of the advertisement.
The first student wrote, "But I'm a boy!"
The second student responded, "Then why are you into a woman's bathroom?"
The third student thoughtfully explained, "Perhaps he identifies as male and society makes him use a female washroom."
This really made me smile. A spontaneous conversation written on an advertisement anonymously in a bathroom stall, and the third student found it to be such an issue that she (or he) took the time to find a pen in their knapsack and explain a basic idea about what it means to be a trans person.
I can't help it! :) I marvel at the situation.
Previous PostsVenting about noise, posted October 12th, 2013
Another Reason I Don't Want to Start a Family, posted October 7th, 2013
Today, posted October 4th, 2013
Just feeling intensely emotional today I guess. Insert title here., posted October 2nd, 2013
Just sayin' stuff., posted September 28th, 2013
Coffee and other caffeinated beverages, posted September 24th, 2013
Confession, posted September 14th, 2013
Frustrated, posted September 4th, 2013
Shower, posted August 28th, 2013
no title, posted August 23rd, 2013
Private Letter, posted August 22nd, 2013
I love the sensuality of quiet romance, posted August 7th, 2013
Water, posted June 15th, 2013, 1 comment
Just a Vent., posted June 14th, 2013
Journal: Thursday 11 April. 03:00am., posted April 11th, 2013
Identity, posted April 10th, 2013
Journal: Monday 8 April., posted April 8th, 2013
Journal: 31 March 2013, Early Evening., posted March 31st, 2013
Isn't This Holodeck Program Amazing?!, posted March 30th, 2013
Bathroom Conversations, posted March 22nd, 2013
Something Happened (Sun/Mar/17), posted March 18th, 2013, 1 comment
Growing Rift Between My Father & Me, posted March 15th, 2013
Just Talkin' About Mundane Things Right Now, posted March 13th, 2013
Swing Low, posted March 11th, 2013
Journal: Thursday 7 March 2013, 00:30., posted March 8th, 2013
Journal: Friday 8 March, 2013. 16:00., posted March 8th, 2013
Bird's Eye View, posted March 8th, 2013
Series of Journal Entries, Week 1, posted February 9th, 2013
Whatever., posted January 24th, 2013
Consequences of Employment of Foul Language in Inappropriate Situations Over Time By Our Society, posted December 8th, 2012
What do you think, about this link?, posted November 23rd, 2012
Emotional States, posted November 22nd, 2012
Compliment at Work, posted November 16th, 2012
How I Take My Coffee, posted November 12th, 2012
My EP Anniverary! Time for an Intro, posted November 11th, 2012, 2 comments
A Rose by Any Other Name, posted November 2nd, 2012
Gathering, posted September 10th, 2012
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